Yep, it's a simulblog, where the thoughts run freely and without self-censorship. Caution: there will be spoilers, there will be rants, there will be typos, and there will be not nice things said. If you can't handle that, best back away from your computer monitor, because the show is about to start.
8 p.m. -- Ryan warns us that the end is in sight for the kids. Well, he's right for one of them. She won't live past Wednesday. We get to see the kids as they're receiving their gifts: the Billboard book of the 930 #1 hits. Best kept secret in the world. Has Ryan stolen Bo's pants from last week?
8:03 -- Anthony is up, and it's clear that the song list spoiler that's been circulating the message boards is true. Holy Cripes. I'm scared now. Anthony is following the trend of leaving the stage for the up close and personal approach. He's terribly out of tune in the front section, and really trying to pull the Clay act. Tough to crucify the first singer, but things have to improve from here.
8:06 -- It's Carrie's time and she's singing Heart. She wants to break out of her shell, by singing "Alone." Great hair tonight. C'mon Carrie, break out already!! This is a great song. I want to see the front row fall over dead. Great performance, probably the best I've heard her since the auditions. Randy likes it, Paula says ditto and Simon says she'll win the whole thing (talk about the kiss of death) and that she'll sell more records than any other Idol. Well, Carrie, it's been nice knowing you. Simon has just ticked off every voter in America, and they will make a point of proving him wrong. Didn't he learn anything from last year?
It's time to sell some stuff. You know, if they would go back to two hours while we still have contestants in the double digits, they could sell a whole lot more stuff. Hey! It's the Coconut song. Was it #1? Shoulda been. Great song, even though you cannot understand a single lyric except to "put the stupid lime in the stupid coconut," which does not sound remotely appetizing.
8:13 -- It's Donny Osmond. Donny!! I love you. I want you to sing. "Go Away Little Girl" was a #1! I wanted Mikalah to sing it while looking into a mirror. Oh Donny. [Panties.]
8:14 -- It'sScott's turn, and he's singing Against All Odds, another song which should be permanently banished from the songbook. Scott, weren't you listening a few weeks ago when Jessica sang this? Were you not watching last season when George started his downfall with this song. And I don't even want to talk Corey in season two. Great presentation though, but I love you Scott. Not as much as I love Donny, but you were really good. Randy loves it, Paula says ditto and Simon says it wasn't a good vocal. Sorry, I disagree. I just hate the song.
8:16 -- It's the softer side of Bo. He's going to sing Jim Croce's Time in a Bottle. There are guitar players staging a sit-in all over the stage. Oh why did you choose that song? The Doobies would have been so much better. The judges are moderately praise-ful, but nobody tells him he's gonna sell more records than Elvis.
8:21 -- Time to sell stuff. Gee, I hope we see the Chicken Bacon Cheddar Ranch guy. But I think they're saving him for right after Mikalah, so as to wash the noise from our ears. That was nasty, Jennifer.
8:23 -- Nikko is singing a song I've never heard of, called Incomplete. He is looking quite Sinatra-ish in his hat and coat. Ooo. Wait! He's stripping. Scott just stripped off his glasses, and Nikko is taking off his clothes. I'm starting to like this show. We haven't even gotten to Anwar yet! Nikko is singing and I'm thinking about Anwar nekkid. Yep. That's how good Nikko was. Randy says we're seeing the real Nikko. Well, yeah. That's what I just said -- he's stripping. The judges say it is his best? Okay, well that doesn't say a lot about his previous performances.
8:27 -- Vonzell's gonna try to be great, as she was instructed to do last week. She's gonna sing Best of my Love, and she's in the audience. Before this season is done, they'll be singing in the parking lot. Oh, now she's sucking up to Simon, even though it's Paula sitting on the table like a 12-year-old. Not bad, not the best from her, but the judges think it's her best. And she's a birthday girl.
8:30 -- Ryan tells us that Constantine and Nadia are up next. Now, in all fairness, I know what Constantine is going to sing. Itwill either be the dumbest choice since Clay sang Grease, or it will be the most brilliant choice in the history of American Idol. Time will tell. But think poodles. And birds.
8:35 -- Yes it is!!! It's the Partridge Family by Constantine. Constantine I think I love you too!!!!! No velvet, but we can forgive him for that. It's about time someone gave props to the Partridges!!! I love it. It's wonderful! Randy says it's over the top, Paula says ditto and some other stuff about showmanship, and Simon says Constantine reminds him of a poodle in a leather jacket. Don't listen to them. The Partridge Family rocks!
8:37 -- It's time for Nadia to remember Cyndi Lauper's Time After Time. She has weird hair and she and her mohawk start very shaky. I didn't think I would say this about Nadia, but that was terrible. I don't care what the judges say. Oh. Well, maybe I do, because they agree with me. Oy.
8:40 -- Ryan warns us that Mikalah is up next. Public Service Announcement, I suppose. Sorta like a weather warning. Seek shelter immediately. Or in 10 minutes, when the commercials are over.
8:45 -- Brace ourselves, tells Ryan. Mikalah is going to destroy Taylor Dayne's Love Will Lead You Back. And she accomplishes that in the first three lines. The girl had one good note in the whole song, and that was the last one. Randy says pitchy and where is the crazy girl. Paula spouts stuff about still rooting for her, and Simon says what everyone else wants to. It was an utter mess. That's an understatement. I never thought I would miss Leah LaBelle.
8:47 -- It is my husband Anwar singing Ain't Nobody by Chaka Khan. And he's looking quite husbandly in his jeans, but not sounding so good, and yep, he's headed for the parking lot, but takes a stop on the catwalk. See what you started Bo? Now I hate this song. Again Anwar, you choose a song I hate. Do you think it will stop me from stalking you? Randy is lukewarm, Paula says she's proud of him, and Simon is not happy, I assume, as he tries to get a word in between Paula's critique of his critique.
Shut up Paula. Go get in your car and hit somebody.
8:51 -- Jessica is up next, but first we need to erase the memory of what we just heard. I love that Coke commercial. Kid gives Coke to Dad. Aww. My family would just chug the thing. And I'm already sick of the weiner show. When is FOX going to realize that there's a huge difference between tease and overkill?
8:54 -- It's time for Jessica to close the show. She's going to perform Total Eclipse of the Heart. Should be perfect for her. And someone somewhere has given her a full-length mirror and some honest fashion advice. Still a bit on the slutty side, but far, far better. She handles those low passages like a pro. Grandma is going to be so happy. Randy says brilliant. Paula says drivel. Simon says Jessica and Carrie kicked some boy singer butt. I tend to agree.
Ryan gives us the numbers. We get a review of what we just heard, and it's time to vote.
Simulblog out!
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